I'm sad today.
Gez and I went out for dinner last night. It was to a really lovely restaurant, and we had a nice time. I realized the other day that the last time we went out for dinner together with no children was for my birthday...7mths ago! Wow, that's way too long in between romantic evenings with your husband yes?
Anyway, so we go out, have a wine, go for a walk and then come home. I was thinking we'd have a spa, or watch a movie, and make the most of having my sister watching the boys. No sooner had we got home, and one of Gez's mated turn up. I really thought that he'd make an excuse to get him to keave, or even just explain that we were having a night with no kids. But no....Dave stayed for about three hours and I went to bed early. How much does that suck? It's like Gez thought "oh, well that's that, done my bit, now I can relax" I'm feeling so upset.
This morning when I asked him about it, he said "I tried to get him to leave" and that just made me even angrier.
Sometimes it feels as though we are just housemates.
Usually he's pretty good, I dunno what he was thinking.
Does this happen to you?

I think this is going to take me a little while, but I also think it is too much of an important part of me to leave it out of my blog. Many blogs I've read and loved, have just that bit of extra background story about the author. Some of these stories have made me laugh, cry, grin stupidly, and make my heart ache, some, all of the above simultaneously!

My story, whilst maybe it will not have the same effect on you (and that's fine with me BTW) does make me feel just as I have described. Probably because it was me, and I was there through it all. Our experiences define the people we become, and if anyone happens to read this, you are about to discover just that about me. I don't think I can really do this justice, you would have to have been me to really understand, but....here goes!

I had a lovely upbringing. There was Mum, Dad, me, my brother Geoff, and some years later my baby sister Rachel. We lived on a largish property in rural Victoria and whilst not wealthy, certainly well cared for and rarely lacking anything we needed. Our family went to a little church each Sunday, and I attended a tiny little rural school. Basically, I come from a middle class, Christian family, and my life was pretty sheltered.

I went a bit wild in about Year 10 of high school, and like any teenage girl, all I could think about was boys, clothes and parties. Poor mum, she just didn't know how to handle a flighty teenager, and I left home half way through year11. I had a few boyfriends, but I was shy, so they usually didn't last long. At the end of year 11, I met B. We had ended up spending an evening driving around in his car, dropping people home after a party, and I almost died when he asked me to have lunch with him the next day.

We dated for a few months, and it was all lovely. In January 02, I discovered I was pregnant.
My world fell down around my ankles. I had always dreamed of my own little family. I loved children, and never doubted that I'd be a mother some day....SOME DAY...Not friggen today....Now, I was going to be nobody. No job, no career, no schooling, no social life I was going to be nothing. (How utterly wrong I was, but hey, I was not to know then.)

B, couldn't come to terms with it. He begged me to get rid of it. I darn well begged myself to get rid of it if the truth be told. I never wanted this. A family, yes, when I had made something of myself and was married to the man of my dreams. Yes the fairytale, that's what I wanted, the 'never-have-a-worry-in-the-world,-perfect-family,-gorgeous-house,-happily-ever-after' kinda fairytale. And now, I was in this 'got-herself-knocked-up,-where's-she-ever-gonna-end-up-now,-stupid-girl' situation.
I locked myself in my room f0r ages. I must say, when I look back now, I really cant remember much of it, but let me tell you, it was awful. B's mum hated my guts. I don't really know what went on there, have no right to speculate, but I just felt so guilty. I felt guilty for getting her son into my big-fat-stinking-mess, and for not being able to have an abortion for him, and for pressuring him.

I had just turned 17.

The day my baby came into the world, I thought he was an angel. I had never felt anything so wonderful, and looking at him took my breath away. (in reality, he was screwed up and red and peely he he he!) I was in love.
He turned my life upside down. I changed. I became more confident, I became more focussed, I made small achievements which made me feel I could tackle anything, and I lived to create a life for my baby.

I was depressed too though, some moments were like knives in my heart. I yearned for someone to share him with. I felt fat and disgusting and useless sometimes. I believed everyone who told me I'd never amount to anything. I told myself I'd never amount to anything, no-one could ever love a nobody like me. My family were my lifeline. They believed in me, they encouraged me, and then, when I met Gez, It all made so much more sense.

My son, my gorgeous full of life, clever, enchanting little boy. Is now almost 6. I couldn't imagine life without him. I still feel guilty sometimes. B never really had any say once the deed was done. It was all up to me, and I made the decision based upon me, and what I was going to be able to live with. For that I am sorry. I could never say that I'm sorry it happened for I have been given the greatest gift I could ever have imagined, But I am sorry at how it hurt him, and I wish I could have somehow freed him from what he went through.

B saw Jackson once only, when he was 1year old. I could never understand that, and still do not, but it is his decision, and I must respect it, and I am careful not to bother him .

My life now is almost what I dreamed about, way back when.
I have two amazing little people at my feet, and one towering above my head ( all 6 foot, 4 inches of him lol!) They are my life, my love, my tears and my joy.

I understand now, that I am not defined by what others make me, but by what I make myself. I understand that there are far worse things that can happen to a person, and I understand that my baby boy has made me a hundred times the person I was before he was entrusted to me.

I thank you for taking the time to read this, as I understand that it will never, by a long shot be as interesting as some you will read. However, it is me, my story, and I appreciate your kindness in getting to know me.

Love always, Charli oxoxo

Lol, all that whingeing this morning! It didn't take too long to get my house sorted out. It's mostly surface mess, which looks bad, but pretty quick to tidy up. It's not how it was before I worked though, which feels a bit crappy. I look around, and there's just so many things I haven't got around to doing since I started working 4 days.
I used to strip and change the beds every week, and make them every morning. These days, i'm lucky if i do them once a month, and I hardly ever make them. Another thing is the floors. I used to vacuum every day, and mop once a week. Now, I vac once a week, and mop every 2 weeks :( I did the windows (kind of) the other day, but it is such a struggle to find time, and it depresses me a bit.

I had the lady I talked about in my last post, come over after school with K. it went well and there were no arguments between the boys, and when I pulled him up on a couple of little things, he listened and did as i asked perfectly! It look like we will have him a weekend a month to give his grandma a break f4rom being his sole carer. She's doing a great job with him, but he's got lots of issues, so it will not be an easy placement.

I was thinking last night, that I really would like to post about my "story". It seems like everyone has something to tell which defines them, and while my story is not as emotional or heart-stopping as some of the wonderful people I have been reading about over the past few weeks, it certainly defines who I have become.
I think now is not the right time, as I need to get some things ready for school/childcare/work tomorrow, but as soon as I get a chance, I think I will talk about me, and what makes me who I am.

Sweet dreams,

Charli :)

Yesterday was a great day, I started work early, and had everything organised for our important visitor. The federal minister for youth affairs arrived on time, and the project I applied for funding for was launched in style! It was a pretty short notice visit, and I had two funerals last week so very little time to prepare, but it all came together, and I felt pretty proud of our efforts.

Problem is, when i get home, things are not quite so "together". I swear my whole life at the moment consists of work, and cleaning my house. It never ends, and I'm cranky with the boys, and even more cranky with gez, and while we are getting along ok at the moment, we havent had a moment to ourselves since i dont even know when!! It makes it feel like we are just housemates mostly. There cant be any romance when it takes all my energy just to get up and go to work in the morning, and keep my house tidy.

Forgive me, I am feeling very self-indulgent this morning aren't I! I hate not feeling like I have everything in control!On top of my own family's little problems, I have a lady who has a grandson (K) at Jack's school, who has just lost her Daughter (K's mum) and desperately wants some respite care. She's asked me if our family can have K, and I just couldn't say no. So now I have that hanging over me, cos I just don't know how it will go.

K is very different from my boys. While he is a great little boy, he's had a lot to cope with in his 5years, and now just lost his mum. He is bit of a 'rough nut', which Jack and Ry are not. I dunno, I think I am just worrying for nothing, and It will be fine, It's just the feeling of not being in control that's making me doubt our abilities as parents and a couple, and as foster carers.

I am such a control freak! I'm gonna post again today if I get a chance, cos I'm sure that after I've sorted the house out, and had a quiet day at home (I dont work Wednesdays) I will be feeling much better!

have nice day, talk soon

charli xoxox

Well, I tell you what, Jackson I getting a post all to himself today, and not for many good reasons either!
He has been a nightmare all week, and especially yesterday and today. Jack has had hearing problems for a couple of years now, and has suffered countless ear infections and had grommets put in almost two years ago, the poor little bugger.

Well, right now, after a couple of bad months, I took him back to the specialist and lo and behold, he needs the grommets again. So, after being given the option of 6-12 months waiting on the public patient list, or 6 weeks as a private patient, we are now very close to being $2k poorer! lol, That's really nothing however, cos I'd pay anything for these tantrums to stop!!!!

They are just awful. He's almost 6 now, and I swear the tantrums are worse than they've ever been before. I feel like such a horrible mother, because I just end up so mad with him. They start over absolutely nothing, like seriously nothing. Tonight, a tantrum started cos he didn't want to put his PJ's on. It's not only screaming though, he just becomes wild, and kicks and bites and scratches. I really dont know what it's all about. Afterwards, he comes to me all sad and apologises and asks me if I still love him, bless his heart. He's such a clever sweet little boy, and always has been, and it upsets me so much to see him so angry over nothing at all??

On a nicer note now, after all that griping! We did have a lovely quiet day today (tantrums aside). It was raining, which I hadn't expected, so I decided that If I was going to enjoy my Sunday with two little boys inside, I'd better organise some activities for them. They had a ball sewing up some felt puppets I'd purchased a while ago at the bargain shop, and then gluing little foam clothes to them! Jackson really amazed me, as he sat there for ages sewing the whole thing up! A girlfriend come over this afternoon with a movie I'd been wanting to see, so I got Gez to drag some Lego from out of the shed. The boys hadn't played with it for ages, since we've had te last foster child actually so probably nearly a year. She was only a baby so we couldn't have the small pieces. Anyway, the lego was a hit, and kept them busy for almost two hours!

Had grandma for dinner, and now just gotta make sure they get to sleep. They are in bed so that's a start! Wish me luck.

Charli oxoxo

Wow, it has been sooo long, and i've only just started! I have to admit I've been avoiding this for a little while. I have become an avid reader of several wonderful blogs, and wondering whether what I have to say is really worthwhile recording? Well, I've decided that now that I've started, i'll just keep on and see what happens.

I'm really gonna have to start making this a regular appointment though! That's what I'm feeling like at the moment...like my life is just one appointment after the next after the next! Works is really great, just very busy so making time for anything other than the boys and my housework (or lack thereof!) feels almost impossible :(

I have heaps to post...or rather offload tonight! I attended two funerals last week, which was pretty draining in itself. One of the funerals was for the grandmother of an old old old friend from...well babyhood actually. Mon and I grew up together, and while we're not ultra close, we seem always to manage to be there for each other whenever needed, which is lovely! The other funeral, was for the mother of a child in Jack's year at school. I didn't really know the girl, but I have had many conversations with her mother, who has been 'K's primary carer for quite some time. I went to the funeral mostly to support her and K, but it turned out to be a very emotional funeral (as they come) and shook me a little more than I'd imagined.

I also had some unexpected news from my manager on Thursday morning that we are having an important visitor to my work on Tuesday next week, leaving me very little time to prepare!

Some nice stuff now though!
Gez and I took the boys to the snow last weekend. Not anything flash, just Mt Buffalo with a couple of toboggans and a hot packed lunch. The boys had the most wonderful day, and were just gorgeous with one another!
It was totally lovely, and not too expensive so I think there will be another trip very shortly. I'd love to take friends next time, cos many people don't realize just how cheap and accessible a trip to the snow can be, as long as you're not needing to ski or snowboard.

I haven't done this yet, but i'll try post a couple of pics!


Last night we had just the most lovely family dinner with my Dad's side. We don't get together much, and are generally not terrible close, but we seem to catch up once or twice a year and it feels like we do it every other week. Lots of home cooked food, everyone talking, no stress and you can come and go as you like, no pressure! Gotta love that :) It compares considerably with Mum's side, where, whilst just as loveable, our get-togethers seem to be a little stressful, loud, and there's always a little 'tiff' thrown in somewhere lol!

So, overall a busy week, I'll be glad for monday :P (don't ever remind me I said that..)
I really need to blog about the boys, but I'm just about falling asleep in my seat, so will save that for my next entry.

Photo's not uploading, so will try that next time too!

Take care,
Charli